Balada do Amor Inabalável – Part 1

Welcome back! It’s been a while.
So, the monthly report idea apparently didn’t work out. Which is really sad, because I remember at the time that I was actually super into that idea – but the main problem with that is that I prefer writing whenever I’m emotionally tired or stressed. And that hasn’t happened to me in a while. I mean, it did, but I got so close to Mercedes that I’ve been venting to her ever since. By the way, thank you so much for everything you’ve done to me. You’re literally the best person I’ve ever met and I wouldn’t be where I am right now without you guiding me – which is why I gave you the key to my soul, a.k.a. the URL for this blog.

Since February, a lot has happened in my life. But considering this blog is focused around the cause of my problems – my love life – I wanna focus solely on that today. Which is why I decided to use Skank’s song as the title today. These are happy times, and I want to reflect that.

Billie! First, we’re going to talk about her. Such an important figure, and I didn’t know that at the time. She was my second true crush right after Claire and Hayley. I remember a friend just setting me up with her without my permission. I mean, I would have accepted if he asked if I wanted it anyway, but that was still a bitchy move. We talked for a bit, and eventually we started flirting – or I did, at least. Why am I always the one to make the move? Being the guy sucks. Anyway, we set a date to hook up, and so we did. It was amazing, I mean, she could control a little more her saliva, but honestly for me that was perfect. So perfect, that I actually wanted it a second time. I found out later that she wanted the same and boom, that’s how I entered a dark spiral of paranoia.
So, we decided to set up another date to hook up. We tried doing it the very next day, but someone I know – we’ll call him Dipshit, for convenience – kept third-wheeling the whole thing. We decided to hook up in the next Monday, considering it was already Wednesday, and Thursday and Friday were holidays here in Brazil at the time.
During this four-day period, I began going nuts. Almost all of my thoughts were about her, mainly negative thoughts – “she won’t want to do it anymore”, “we’re not talking enough”, “I’m going to lose the most perfect girl in the world”. Imagine these, but worse, and neverending. I remember actually crying to sleep because of a girl I kissed once, and barely talked to after. Yeah… not my proudest moments.
Monday came. We hooked up, and it was awful. She wasn’t a bad kisser by any means, it’s just that chemistry that we had in our first kiss was pretty much dead after we stopped talking for a few days. After that, I decided not to message her again, and let my wounds heal with time. And so they did.

Kim! She’s actually Mercedes best friend. So yeah, I eventually did hook up with one of my crushes from the beginning of the year. Hooray! Turns out she’s a… kinda shitty person, honestly. Our story begins a few months ago. She was really cute (keyword: was – kinda shitty pretty people are ugly) and we had a best friend in common. We messaged a little, tried to meet up somewhere that wasn’t school, but it never worked out. Either she used an excuse not to go, or straight up ghosted me. Weirdly enough, she never actually said that she didn’t want to go, she just always accepted the invite and never replied back. This happened twice, until I have up.
Some time after that, I remember talking to Mercedes and Kim casually. Absolutely no romantic interest. During the day, I posted a flirty status on WhatsApp – I wasn’t aiming at anyone, just thought it was funny. Well, she replied, flirting, and we decided to hook up at school the next Monday (that happened on Friday). Again, not a single message was sent between the two of us after that.
The dreaded Monday came. I waited at the spot we decided, talked for a bit, and kissed a lot. It was actually one of the best kisses I’ve ever received – she was super cute and cuddly all the time, and honestly that’s something I couldn’t love more. It’s one of the best things in life to feel like you’re being actually loved and your presence is special. Unfortunately, I think she’s just extremely good at faking that. After coming home later that day, I sent her a message, saying that the time we spent was really good and if she wanted to do it again, I was down for it. She replied positively, and we decided that the very next day we were going to do the same thing again. I was at the spot, at the same time, waiting for her… but it looked as if she wasn’t coming. Eventually, a friend of mine came, saying that Kim was actually at the ground floor, dancing with her friends. That shit broke my heart deeply. I mean, I would honestly be fine if she just said the day before that she didn’t want to do it for real, or even if she sent a message that Tuesday claiming she simply lost interest. But no – she didn’t say anything or sent anything, just probably forgot about our date.
Later that day, she sent a message saying that she was having her period, and that dancing so much was actually worsening her condition. At the time, I thought it was an actual good explanation. “Just women stuff, I can understand that”, I thought to myself. Thinking about it right now, it was just so obvious that she just didn’t want anything to do with me. Well, this story is getting rather long, so let’s just say that after that day I needed some time to recover from all the mental damage.

Weeks later, I began talking to Billie again. She actually told a friend in common – Redhead – that she really wanted to talk to me because I seemed like a cool person, but wanted to make sure that she didn’t give the wrong idea. Let’s end this post right now, before I start talking about Sunflower. I’m going to do that in my next post. And as always, thank you for reading.