birth of a new day

Welcome back. It’s been a while. As much as it doesn’t seem like it, considering that I rarely post here anymore, this blog has been insanely helpful for me over the last three years. Just a reminder that now that I have a therapist (and an awesome best friend), the need to actually write something has decreased, but I still love the pleasure of writing my feelings down. Anyway, back to the main topic:

In the next few days, I’m going to do something that I might regret, which is one of the reasons I decided to write this text.  You see, for a long part of my high school years, I felt like I didn’t belong in the places that I wanted to. It always felt like the songs I listen to were never meant to be listened by people like me, the clothes I wear were never meant to be worn by people like me, the things I said were never meant to be said by someone like me. I always felt as if I was trying to be someone else, and to some extent, I actually was. I guess I was always trying to please someone else instead of trying to please myself. If you’ve ever read my previous posts, you will realize that I was never truly comfortable with the person I was, and by doing that, I guess I just felt relieved.

Finally, someone gets to accept me the way I am!”, I thought, after changing myself completely for someone else.

Is this the person I actually am, or is this the person they want me to be? Am I liking to be this person because I actually like myself, or because I like the way they like me? But “they” have gone away. They’ve left me behind a long time ago, and now I just feel confused.

It’s weird, really. We all know that, deep inside, sometimes, we just like stuff because we know that other people like it too – or at least, the group we want to fit in like that same thing. Want an example? Monster Energy Drink.

It’s something well-known in the “alternative community”, I guess you could call it that, (writing this down is actually really cringe, but hey, this is supposed to be just my personal diary) and even memed that we’re supposed to like Monster Energy Drinks. Don’t get me wrong, they taste really good, and the different flavors and stuff are definitely a nice little extra when compared to other energy drinks. Most of them just have the same taste with different branding, and at the end of the day, if I’m to die of a heart attack, then it better be because of a really cool purple drink instead of another generic Guaraná-flavored energy drink. Still, it’s not something I’m actively trying to buy. Yeah, it’s a different experience, but to be honest I barely feel this “energy” they’re claiming to have. It’s just overpriced, over-sugared, and “over-branded”, I guess? Still, I, for some reason, decided it was a good idea to pretend to love this thing. Why? Because I wanted to fit with alternative people. I have no idea if this is actually that common outside of Brazil, but here, it’s just so common to see them drinking this as if it’s just water. They’re probably going to die at 20 doing that, why did I even try to do the same?

Because I wanted to fit in.

And the same thing happened to a chunk of my personality, as well. If you read my first or second post here (I don’t remember which one exactly, but the one where I talk about being Jones’ shadow), you’ll realize how dark-themed it sounds. Not saying that’s not how I felt back then, I definitely did, but by wanting to enter the “sad boy” aesthetic, I feel like I wrote that in a way where it seemed like I was planning to kill myself in the following weeks. Again, not saying that I didn’t feel bad at the time, and not saying that I don’t feel bad right now – I just have a better way of coping with my feelings, which is usually by joking about it. I even joke about suicide sometimes, even though I don’t look into “becoming an hero” someday (at least for now).

One of the things that most influenced me is my now ex-best friend, Billie. Our time together was short, but it’s undeniable that she has made a huge impact in my life. I don’t hate her (though she probably hates me, like it usually happens), and to some extent, I wish she’d come back in my life one day, even if just to give me a last hug, and a proper goodbye. It was a turbulent friendship, clearly. But still, one of the best I’ve ever had. And again, she influenced me a lot. One of the reasons I decided to go with the long-hair-no-facial look is specifically because one day she just said that she didn’t like guys with facial hair, and liked guys with long hair. And when I began listening and adhering to her tastes (which I’ll be calling “Billie aesthetic” or Billie beauty standard”), I felt better about myself, but still, not enough. Never enough.

Think about it – I had both the “alternative beauty standard” and the “Billie beauty standard” to follow, so this was pretty much the lowest my self-esteem had ever been as I couldn’t even come close to any of those standards, which took a toll on my mental health. But there was one thing that I just could not get truly sad about: my hair.

I’ve had better days when it comes to hair, definitely. When it was shorter and easier to manage, sometimes I would get one of the best curls out there. It was also really shiny and voluptuous, and for the alternative aesthetic (and the Billie aesthetic as well), that really prioritizes hair, having something this good on top of my head was always a plus to my self-esteem. And this is why I always prioritized this. Clothes, especially the trendy ones, are usually too expensive. But taking care of your hair is cheap in comparison, so even if sometimes I felt like I was out of style or whatever, I still had the hair to back my self-esteem up. This happens till this day, and again, it’s something I borrowed mainly from the Billie aesthetic. And this is the problem.

As you can see, a good chunk of who I am now is dependent on other people. More specifically, someone that hasn’t been in my life for months now, and will probably never come back. As much as I love the long hair I have now, that I left growing for one full year and a few months, I feel as if that is a sign of someone that just isn’t me anymore. It’s a pre-Covid me. And I’m sure most people think the same about themselves when I say that I am a different person than that person from 01/01/2020. It’s a new phase when it comes to being myself – a phase where I don’t want to be dependent on others to be happy, to do the things I like the most. I just want to be who I feel comfortable being.

And to do that, I will get rid of one of the most important things in the alternative and Billie aesthetic – my long hair.

I know that, if you’re reading this and don’t know who I am (or knows who I am but not that closely), you’ll probably be thinking that “making all this fuss about just cutting hair is cringe”, or something. If you think that, then you probably read this text with your eyes closed, because I literally explained to you why it’s important to me in the first place. 

And as always, thank you for reading.

Now I’ll finish my Monster Energy Drink.