can’t you see

Welcome back! It’s been a while.

Just posting this a way to tell you that this will probably be my last post here in The Safehouse. Maybe just for some time, maybe forever – who really knows? As I’ve said (I think) a few times here before, I don’t feel comfortable writing this anymore. This was made specifically by a version of me that didn’t have people to talk to – a version that wasn’t comfortable sharing deep and random thoughts with anyone except for himself. But that is not who I am anymore, and I can’t pretend I still am that person like I’ve been doing for almost a year now. I just think it’s really hard to realize that something as important as this blog was for me (especially back in 2018) just isn’t the same. And I think that applies to just about everything in my life at this point.  

Still, it’s undeniable that this project has been very helpful for me, and I’m very thankful for that. Ironically enough, it actually sparkled a few friendships, even though it’s a project made as a way for me to vent without having friends.     I won’t be “deleting” any posts like I did with my previous blogs even if people manage to find out about this. I highly doubt people will find, and if they do, I don’t think there’s any chance for me to be recognized here. If I find out Blogger is ending at some point (which, to be honest, doesn’t seem very far in the future in my opinion), I will make a backup of all my posts and post them somewhere else.

Just an actual update before I go. I did cut my hair. And it did feel as good as I thought it would be from the beginning. Most people (including myself, obviously) are so used to seeing me with long hair that they thought it was really weird at first, but now, I feel much better. Self-esteem goes up. Dependence on the past goes down. Now, if you managed to read all this online diary of mine, might as well go listen to my tunes. In honor of this blog, I will name of my first songs “The Safehouse”, in my EP “recorded phone calls”. I don’t expect this to go anywhere, by the way. I just like expressing myself.

EDIT 01/15: I’ve changed my mind over everything I wrote back in December 30th. So, I still want to keep this blog alive. Even if the interval between posts becomes longer and longer, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable at all letting this thing just die. This is my personal project, a work of three years at this point, and there’s something so therapeutic about writing an online journal that not even a regular therapist can make me feel. So I decided to put this to good use, and today, I’ll talk a little bit about my plans for this year, 2021. I know it’s already January 15, but I still love planning stuff – and who knows? Maybe this post will be the thing that puts me on the right track, because right now, I don’t feel like doing anything at all.

So, in two days, the ENEM (basically the Brazilian SAT) is going to happen. This a great opportunity for literally everyone – it’s the main gateway for most if not every university here. And if I’m making this sound like it’s a huge deal, that’s because it is. It’s basically the most important thing someone can do right after ending high school. The main problem right now is… I haven’t studied at all. I didn’t even open a book or watch a video yet, and the first part of the test is in two days. I really don’t expect the best about this, but in my defense, studying by yourself in such a comfortable environment (my home) is impossible to me. You basically have to force yourself into studying, and as much as I love studying, it becomes 10x harder when I’m not in the mood. And that mood just didn’t happen in the last year – I mean, we were having online classes. Does anybody still know how to open a book after having online classes for so long? Because I clearly don’t. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. I’ll try my best to study at least something useful in the next two days so I don’t send a message crying to my new crush about my score.

Yep, you’ve read that right. There’s a new girl in my life. I’m not proud of that but, in my defense, we were supposed to talk last year if her cousin Billie didn’t stop us. Now that Billie is out of my life, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing that. She’s also different from every girl I’ve talked to before, but also really similar to Billie in a way. I remember hearing her first voice message a few weeks ago and… they had a really similar voice. To the point where I began wondering if I was actually talking to Billie pretending to be her cousin. She’s a really sweet girl, but still “triggers” some of my old traumas. I pretend she doesn’t so I can still keep talking to her, but I’ll admit, it can become really stressful sometimes – stressful to me, by the way. It’s not like she’s doing anything wrong, it’s more like a case of “I’m still trying to get over my past, and as much as I know I need time, I also want to talk to you” on my part. She’s the kind of girl that doesn’t show what she feels for you with direct words but more through actions – she keeps telling me literally every hour to drink water and eat properly, and as silly as this might sound to some people, it’s actually what makes me want to keep talking to her. This is her way of showing that she cares, and while I usually hate people who aren’t straightforward, I still like her for some reason. I think she’s someone really special, and even if she doesn’t reciprocate with the usual “I love you too”, I’ll try my best to believe that “have you eaten your greens today?” has the same meaning. 

I’m also looking forward to some cool things in my own life. Apparently my parents are thinking of buying an apartment for me, and are also helping me find a job. The apartment will only be available in 2024, but still, it’s amazing knowing that I might have my own place to live when I’m just 21 years old. Wow. I just wrote “21 years old” and it hit me – I’m turning 18 this year. And I’ll be turning 21 in three years. I still remember the time where I felt as if I was never going to change, neither physically nor mentally. It felt like everyone was going forward with their lives except for me. And to be honest, that’s still true to some extent – most people that I met in 2018 are way different from themselves now in 2021, and in comparison to them, I might look like I didn’t change much. But I know I did, and that alone would be enough to make younger me very proud of who I am right now. I think he would be even prouder if I managed to get a career or at least study something related to film-making, but for now, I think I’ve improved enough. Right now, my main goals are going to a good university, finding a stable job so I can buy the things I want and hopefully help my parents with paying my apartment, strengthening my relationship with the people I love, especially Billie’s cousin (which I haven’t decided a nickname for now), and finally do something when it comes to my hobbies (amateur filmmaking and video editing). Oh, and buy an electric guitar. 

If you have somehow managed to read everything here, then props to you, you deserve a cookie. Don’t expect me here from now on. Expect me sporadically here from now on.  I won’t say I have a good feeling for 2021 because apparently that brings bad luck, so I’ll say I have a neutral feeling for 2021 instead. Thank you all for reading and I hope you the best for this year.