CR-V

Hello everyone!
Welcome back. This is February’s post, considering the month is ending already. I wanted to make 2 posts for this month, but the first one I made and posted was a little bit too personal, even for my own venting blog. I was basically talking trash about someone, and that made me feel even worse about him, because it sounded like I was talking trash behind his back (which I was, technically, but I was basically talking to myself here so not really). In any case, the post is deleted now, and it’ll never happen again.

Well, I’m fine.
I don’t know if I’ve told you already but, coming back from my travel to Jaú, I started talking to a really cute girl that I’ve been wanting to talk to since last year. We’re gonna call her Mercedes.

Mercedes is a cool girl. I’m not exactly interested in her as a partner pér se, I just want a strong friendship with her and, if something else starts building up through our friendship, then we’ll see what we’re going to do with that. But for now, I just want a friend, and that’s exactly what she is. She loves indie songs, she’s cute, she’s funny, and really shy – just my kind of woman, I guess.
Man, I’m still wondering if I have good or bad taste in other people’s eyes.
The main problem I have with her is, well, fear. Fear of losing her. Losing contact, actually.
She takes a lot of time to actually reply to my messages, and we usually don’t talk personally because we’re both shy. Also, we have our own little friend groups that we like to hang out with at lunch, so, even though we want to talk with each other personally, we usually can’t for these reasons. And the reason she doesn’t reply to my messages is usually her internet. I know what you’re probably thinking.

“Man, she’s clearly just playing with your feelings!”

And, honestly, I thought that before too. But it doesn’t seem like that. When she isn’t talking to me, she really isn’t online at any other moment – which means she isn’t ignoring me. And we have a friend in common, Jane, which I mentioned in a previous post. She’s my best friend – and Mercedes’ best friend too! What a coincidence, right?
Well, Jane has told me several times that she’s actually a really good person. She’s not the kind of girl to do this to anyone, and I’ve seen that with my own eyes. She really does seem like a good person. I mean,
I obviously can’t prove this to you, but you know that gut feeling you get when something sounds “too good to be true”, like those fake message requests you used to get every now and then on Skype? I don’t feel that when I’m talking to her. But, as always, I’m just a sensitive bitch, and maybe it’s just my brain and my heart playing with me again. Who knows? It’s usually something like that.

Hayley.
I mentioned her in a previous post too. She used to be my crush but, considering a relationship wouldn’t come out of it (and she didn’t want to hook with me more than once afraid I’d start craving an impossible relationship), I decided to move on. We still talk as friends, but it isn’t the same, obviously. And our friendship is kinda… weird, at this point. She doesn’t seem interested in anything I say, either by text or even in person. So, after talking for so long, at the first chance I got, I ghosted her, for the first time. It wasn’t exactly because of the seeming disinterest though, it was more because of the specific message that she sent, which I didn’t know how to reply.
I’ll admit, it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. I felt a huge void in my heart. Even though we weren’t together anymore (I mean, we never were, we just hooked up), talking to her was still a part of my daily life, and leaving that behind was something I didn’t think would hurt me that much. But after some time, it healed up, and I started thinking about that less and less. It was really good.

But she came back.

After some time, for some really weird reason, she decided to come back, claiming that I’ve ghosted her. I mean, I did, but it wasn’t my fault. And now that I’m trying to strike a converstation with her, she’s the one seemingly ghosting me!
Where is this world coming to..?

By the way, forget the MGTOW thing I talked about in my last post.
These guys are assholes. I was desperate, but not that much for me to be a cunt. They talk so much trash about women online that honestly, most of them are probably closeted homossexuals. So, I decided I really don’t want to be part of such a misogynist and even racist community. Sorry not sorry.

Alright, this is enough. I’m sorry this post maybe wasn’t exactly what you were hoping to read. Turns out this month was actually a good month for me, and I didn’t need to vent as much. Anyway, thank you so much for reading. See you in the next one.

EDIT 02/28: As ironic as this is, literally two days after this post claiming I was fine – well, I’m not fine anymore. Things change so quickly, don’t they? Sometimes I think I’m a girl, honestly, considering how quickly my emotions change, how effeminate I am, and.. sometimes I just feel like it. Shit, am I having gender dysphoria ou some other shit like that right now? Or is it just my hormones going nuts because of puberty?

In any case, I’m gonna summarize everything that happened in these two days. Basically, I felt like Mercedes was ghosting me. Like, really bad. Even though she sent me a few days ago a message claiming that she didn’t want us to lose our friendship (because this apparently happened a lot in the past), I knew she was ghosting me because I could see the “online” tag below her name in WhatsApp. She also posted/liked/commented stuff on other social media, but claimed she couldn’t reply to my messages quicker because she didn’t have internet on the way to school to her house or vice-versa, which was clearly not true.

— H-Hey, are you alright?
— Oh, yeah, I’m fine.
— Okay then. Sorry.

WHY DID I SAY THAT FUCKING SORRY? That was literally the most pointless conversation I’ve ever had with someone, especially considering this is one of my crushes. After that incident, I wanted to die. “But hey, it couldn’t get any worse, right”, I thought to myself. Oh, how foolish I was.

As soon as me and Jane are going to class, guess who we find? Mercedes and her friend – both my crushes, too. They decided to talk for a bit in the middle of the hallway. The thing is, when I’m nervous, I’m more propicious to having voice cracks – and weirdly enough, when I’m not nervous, I don’t have any voice cracks at all. So, considering how shy I am + the intense fear of rejection from two of my crushes + Mercedes’ ghosting making me even more nervous around her = THE LOUDEST VOICE CRACK ANYONE HAS EVER HEARD. I believe that voice crack actually cracked a few windows around us too. Apart from that, the conversation went relatively smoothly – if we ignore the fact that I barely said something in that conversation, and when talking about that with Jane, she actually blamed me for being too shy with two people I barely talk to (in real life, at least), which was honestly just a shitty thing to say to someone venting to you. Check yourself, Jane.

Now, just to clarify some stuff. This all happened today. And no, I’m not constantly stalking Mercedes, or demanding her to reply to my messages in three seconds like a thirsty niceguy or an incel. I, like most people, just don’t like the feeling of being ghosted, especially by the person you like. But maybe 1. she doesn’t want to talk to me, even though she is online and 2. she actually can’t talk to me and I’m just overreacting to everything. In any case, I understand her reasons, and I’m not bothering her in any way – I think, at least.

Well, now that we got that out of the way, and out of my chest, I’m finally happy to end this post. See you all in the next one.