Long story short.
Out of my old group of 8 people, I now barely talk to… 3. Sometimes 4.¹
Welcome back. It’s good to see you again. It’s been a while.
It’s so weird. It’s just… weird. That moment you realize how your mental state simply deteriorated in the span of, what, 3 months? Shit, Sunflower. How can someone even manage to do that is beyond my knowledge. But you did it. You did it, you absolute madlad. And hear me out, this one’s even weirder: I just realized that last week. I realized that I become paranoid about abandonment. To be totally honest, afastar is my first and only trigger word. I have actual shivers whenever I hear it. So that’s it. You completely destroyed my trust in other people, because I fear they’re gonna leave me, simply by… wait a second.
Well, to be fair… I caused this myself, didn’t I?
Sure, everything started after I began talking to her. But, she wasn’t the one that caused those problems. I did. I valued her so much over my friends, that I began losing them. Slowly but surely, I somehow… lost my connection with them.
You see, as a teenager, valuing someone or something means giving all you have (attention and care). As long as both parties involved are giving all their care and attention, things balance out, right? You give all your care, but you receive all their care too. Things balance, like an equation.
But I gave her too much of my care. Too much of my attention. So much, that I stopped giving all I had to the rest of the most important people to me. Care. And attention. And she never cared that much. All the time, she was just going with the flow, following her own rhythm, while I desperately tried to build a relationship with her.
I mean, yeah. Looking back, I was the one responsible for this. I was the one responsible for my own paranoias about romantic, and even platonic relationships. I was the one responsible for my almost loss of friendship with Mercedes. And I was the one responsible for the actual loss of my other friendships. ███████, ███████, ██████², Claire. Sure, they all ended up revealing they were actual shitheads in the end (except for Claire), but still, at the time, I valued them a lot, but to them, it probably felt like I didn’t, and so, they moved away. I’m not mad or sad at them for that (I was at the beginning, though) – to be fair, I’d probably do the same if I was in their place. I am mad at them for another reason.
They never tried enough. Never.³
Ever since the beginning, it felt like they didn’t want to rebuild this connection with me again. I actually told them that I realized I made a mistake, and was ready to start again. They couldn’t care less. At first, when I realized what was happening, and how it had passed a “point of no return”, I remember feeling destroyed. The people most important to me… apparently didn’t mind losing me at all. The ones that told me time and time again that they missed me, couldn’t give a shit about me disappearing from their lives, possibly forever.
They’ve moved on. I’m moving on.
But after some weeks of recovery, I realized something. I still have friends. I’m definitely not alone on my journey. I’m surrounded by people that care deeply about me and think I’m important to them. People that, at the end of the day, are willing to understand and help me fix my flaws, and be around through rise and fall. These are my true friends. Mercedes, Billie, Graph, Sunflower, Gabe, Jones, Jane, Claire.. It’s been a rough year for some, maybe all of us. But I’m really glad you were there for me when I most needed, and know I’ll always be here when you need it too.
As for Sunflower:
Thanks for making me a better person when it comes to, well, love. You were the first person that I actually felt a physical and emotional connection, and you inspire me to better myself everyday. I’m happy we’re still best friends at the end of all of this. And if you’re reading this, please don’t think you’re the reason for any of my problems. As I stated in pretty much all of this post, my emotional immaturity led to those problems. And I’m really glad you were the one there to help me cope with them.
Anyway, it’s getting late… you should probably take care of your own life too, you know?
Well, thanks for reading. It’s the last post of 2019. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I have a good feeling about 2020…
Notas da Skyline:
¹ Eu não falo com mais ninguém, nem mesmo a maioria das pessoas que mencionei no fim do post. Ops!
² Censurei os nomes aqui porque eram os nomes reais e não havia necessidade de mantê-los públicos.
³ Eu discordo completamente disso hoje em dia, e também não acho que elas são más pessoas.