lost / heart

Welcome back! It’s been a while.
Today, I want to talk to you about relationships. I mean, I always write about my relationships here, and today is no exception. Something I haven’t told you in a while is that I’m dating. Yes, I know, I should have told you from the start. Now that I have a real therapist, I feel less and less the need to vent writing on my blog or even to my friends, and I prefer to talk to a professional about my problems. It’s less of a sucker thing, in my opinion. That way, it’s not like I’m using my friends to vent, like some did/do to me. Anyway, let’s get started.

I’ll call her Cattie. Honestly, it’s one of the things that reminds me of her the most – she loves cats. Plus, cat is a compliment in Portuguese, and that’s why it’s an even better reason for the nickname. It’s been a month since we started our relationship, and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions, at least for me. If you’re a regular reader here, you probably know about my past relationships – which I definitely won’t go into in this post. But to sum it all up, I don’t like the feeling of unrequited love. It’s like a hot knife cutting into my heart, especially when done subtly. When it’s more direct, it’s less painful – because it’s as if it’s my fault for not getting the message from the start, not the other person’s fault for not explaining it more obviously. I don’t interpret it as a betrayal, so it’s less worse.

But Cattie is pretty straightforward. When we were getting to know each other, it was something much more affectionate. She was always praising me, sending me cute things, it was everything I wanted in a real relationship. But when we made the relationship official, it seems that her desire to demonstrate what she feels for me just disappeared. “Did I speed things up too much?” “Have her feelings for me changed?” “Maybe she just wants what she can’t have¹, and when she gets it, she stops wanting.” This last question has been running through my mind over the past few days. And let’s face it, this mindset is obviously something that comes from my past relationships. This feeling of always feeling inferior in love comes from even before Sunflower – probably with Claire. I’ve always felt insufficient around them, and it’s not like that feeling doesn’t exist with Cattie – I still think she’s too much sand for my little truck – but now I’m at least a little more self-conscious about what I’m worth, and honestly, I don’t want to live in a relationship where I don’t feel satisfied², either lovingly or sexually. I don’t need someone to demonstrate how they feel for me every day, or for them to tell me she loves me every morning with a bento and a cold Coke in bed. I just want to be able to lie in bed at the end of the day and think that, despite all my faults, there is someone out there who really sees me for who I am and who values ​​me. And as I said before, that’s exactly what I felt at the start of it all. But eventually things changed. I decided to talk to her about it. She was very open: she said she was not comfortable showing her feelings like that. It’s something she doesn’t like about herself and even though a lot of people say the same thing over and over, she couldn’t change it.

I consider myself a very understanding person. As stated in other posts – relationships are a two-way street. If I ask something from my partner then I allow my partner to ask it from me too. If I’m willing to date someone who goes through my faults to be with me, then automatically I’m willing to go through their faults to be with them too. So I said it was okay. I would accept her for who she is, and I was happy to hear that she didn’t make up any excuses for acting that way. And for a while, I thought it was okay. But later on, I started to suspect a few things. The first was a post on her WhatsApp status about sex not being needed in relationships.

So far, nothing too weird. I know she’s a pretty liberal girl (which is really nice), so hearing that from her wasn’t much of a surprise to me. And honestly, she’s not wrong – as long as the people in the relationship are okay with the lack of sex, that’s fine. After all, who am I to get involved in other people’s sex lives? Whoever wants to have sex should do it, whoever does not want to, shouldn’t. That’s not my problem. But I have to admit that, deep down, it made me slightly unsure. What if in the future we had the opportunity to have sex but she just didn’t want to? It’s okay to be insecure and take a little longer to have the first time – that’s something I honestly can hear coming out of myself. But eventually I will want to have sex. What if she never wants to? What if, by some divine coincidence, I’m dating someone asexual? Yeah, I think at this point, you can already see where this story will go. Yesterday, she retweeted a tweet claiming openly she was acearo (asexual and aromantic).

So, there’s that. I don’t know if she just sympathizes with the person who posted this, or if the tweet actually represents her. I don’t know how to touch the subject subtly either. But after everything we’ve been through (or rather, what I’ve gone through in my head), it’s not hard to theorize about what’s really going on.
My first theory – and the only one, to tell you the truth – is that now that we’re dating, she feels more comfortable showing who she really is. She doesn’t like the romantic stuff or clichés she used to send me when we first started talking, which is why she doesn’t seem to reciprocate the feelings I show her – it’s because she probably doesn’t feel the same attraction I feel for her. Now that we’ve made it official, she feels better being genuine, and that’s no problem for me. It’s also no problem that she didn’t tell me this right away. Statistically, asexuals make up less than 5% of the world’s population, so it’s understandable that many don’t feel comfortable being open about it.
But in the end, I don’t know how to feel. I’ve done a lot of research on relationships between romantic and aromatic people and I know something like this is totally possible, but does it really live up to my expectations of a good relationship? Despite being understanding with her, I also need to be understanding with myself. I’ve been through a lot in this regard, and one of the feelings I refuse to feel again is that of unrequited love. Maybe the feeling isn’t the same in a queer-platonic relationship?

There are many questions that can only be answered by Cattie herself, or by time. I think at this point, it’s up to me to decide if I’m really willing to wait that long, and subject myself to a hot knife cutting into my heart again, or if it’s more worthwhile to go in search of a more satisfying relationship.

It’s sad to think that this is a recurring dilemma on this blog, right?
And as always, thank you for reading.




Notas da Skyline:
¹ Isso é uma referência à uma música que eu sempre adorei.
² Trago más notícias…

Eu gosto desse post porque eu sinto uma verdadeira mudança de maturidade quando comparado com os posts anteriores.