Melting

Damn. Shit happens so fast! It’s almost Christmas, and I have yet to tell you some stuff. Sorry for not posting in a while. Welcome again to another one of my self-deprecating posts! Let’s begin.

Another party happened, and it didn’t go anything like I thought it would. It was fun, anyway. I danced a lot (better this time, I guess), but the main thing I thought would happen that day, which was me kissing Claire, obviously didn’t happen. And it hurt a lot to see that, well, I’m pretty awful at picking up red flags. Weirdly enough, she didn’t want to speak with me that day, and I have absolutely no idea why. I never found out what I did wrong that day, and probably never will. I’m not really willing to ask, so let’s just let that die.

You know what’s even weirder? People that weren’t from the school could actually pay to get in the party, and somehow, one of those people was a girl that actually wanted to hook up with me. It was really weird to me seeing someone looking at me that way, but it managed to boost my ego. We didn’t manage to hook up, but at a time like that, where I was feeling pretty worthless as always, just the thought of someone finding me pretty was a massive help for me to get over Claire. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you this. Claire… she actually found someone else. This was after the party though, on Jones’ birthday party.

Not Ed, though. It’s a different guy called.. let’s say, Gabe. I mean, if there’s someone reading this right now, I’m pretty sure you know who I’m talking about. It’s really obvious. She loves him, and it’s so beautiful it hurts, even after getting over her. I don’t really know why it hurts me so much, and maybe it’s not even the fact that it’s her, but maybe it’s because I just want to get close to someone just like them. Getting all cutesy and shit in public, it’s just a dream to someone like me. Or maybe not.

Well, turns out there’s another girl I was interested in for some time. I haven’t mentioned her here because this interest developed after my hiatus, which was when I met her for real. I’m gonna hide her name here, but honestly, I’m pretty sure she’s reading this right now. I’m going to call her Hayley. Mainly because of Paramore, but because I love that name too. I never thought I would find someone so.. similar to me. Someone that I actually feel connected to, and it’s beautiful. I just wish we could be together, for real. I mean, she likes me, and I like her, but there’s just… stuff. Stuff that prevents that from happening. I really, really, really like her. And I still find my heart melting like an ice cream when you smile. Or when you say every cute stuff you like to say about me, making me blush. How can someone be cute like you? I mean, for real? Do you even exist?

Seriously, though. I can’t express how much I like you here, simply because I know you’ll read everything later. I know, it’s weird. I’m embarassed by writing, dear God.¹

My love life aside, everything is pretty much fine. My grades have dropped a little but nothing too worrying. I haven’t had anxiety attacks for quite some time – or at least not like the strongest ones, and everything else is fine. That’s it.
Since we’re at the end of the year, I don’t think I’m going to upload again this year. So, Happy Christmas and Happy New Year 2019. I’m sure 2019 will be a better year than 2018.
And as always, thanks for reading.




Nota da Skyline:
¹ Ela nunca leu 🙁