My Lover is a Day

Hi everyone. It’s been some time since my last post here.

Well, anxiety is a bitch. It makes me overthink about a lot of stuff that I most definetely shouldn’t be overthinking right now. Love, for example. And let me tell you – love and anxiety is something you should never mix. It can make you do some crazy stuff, and it can make you do nothing at all. In both cases, you’re going to regret it. Most of the time, at least.

A few months ago, I met a really pretty girl. Let’s call her Claire. As always, I met Claire from Jones – the guy I mentioned in my previous post. She and her friends are really cool people, and I’m really glad I met them. They really changed my life, and this time, for good.

At the time I met them, I had a crush on another girl. I still have some interest in her, but not enough for me to “invest” myself. Let’s call this girl Bella.

At that time, I remember asking Claire for some help with Bella. They were close friends, and I thought that maybe I could get some tips about her before I started talking to her. That way, we’d have less “awkward silences”, you know, that kind of stuff that happens when you’re just a shy kid. If you’re reading this, then you probably haven’t experienced it. I’m only going to show this to a few people, and these few people are really outgoing. I’m sure they don’t know what is like to be so socially awkward and insecure.

I didn’t get the help I wanted, obviously, but at least I felt a little bit closer to Claire, which is something I wanted since we met. She seemed like a good person to have a good frienship, and I thought that doing that would make our bond stronger. Sharing secrets and stuff. She was trustworthy – and at the time I’m writing this, she still is. But later, we got closer. And now, months later, I feel REALLY close, to the point where I decided to flirt with her. The problem is… I think she’s flirting back.

“But that’s not a problem!”, you say.

Maybe not for you. But I’m really afraid to invest myself in this because.. maybe I’m just bad at taking clues? I don’t know. Maybe she thinks I’m ironic and she’s just being ironic back. Maybe she really likes me, and wants something more than just a good friendship. But would I be enough for her? Probably not – look at me, I’m literally venting in a blog about my problems. I’m definetely not the guy to be with her. Or am I?

See what I did there?

I was overthinking. This is what anxiety does to you folks. These fucking thoughts. They seem so inoffensive and maybe cute to outsiders. But for me? Damn, this shit can destroy you, from the inside out. It’s awful, really.

And to worsen things even more, her birthday party is tomorrow. There’ll be more than 40 people that I know there, and I’m sure they’ll have a lot more fun than me. These people feel good when they’re with their friends, dancing and singing and shit. I mean, even I feel good, but not with 40 people. I don’t feel connected to these people. I don’t feel confident near them. I don’t feel happy. I’m just there for her, really, and for the few of my friends that are actually going tomorrow. This is part of the problem I mentioned in my last post. The feeling that people hate me.

By the way, let me just correct myself here. I ain’t posting these in English because it’s a prettier language or because I want to train my english or whatever.
I’m posting this because, in case anyone finds out about this before my friends, they won’t be able to read it. Or at least I hope so. Thanks for reading.