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Hello, welcome back! It’s been a while.     

You know, here’s something that has been on my mind since I started to adhere to a certain style of fashion. Well, many who know me would call my style e-boy, softboy and, in some cases, even grunge. And they would not be wrong. I actually usually go out with any of these styles, or a mixture of them all. But there is something that all these styles have in common that really bothers me when I imagine myself wearing literally any piece of clothing based on them. Let’s see if you can guess based on the three images below:

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Okay, maybe you have, somehow, found this blog on Google, or luckily (or unluckily, because apparently you don’t know how to write “The Safehouse” correctly) you managed to find this work of art, which for three years has been my thoughts diary. In this case, you probably have no idea what I look like in real life, and in your mind, that kind of outfit would suit me very well. And really, it actually would suit me well.
If I were white.¹

I am not black, certainly not. But I am also not white, or at least not as white as the examples above. I am what many would consider “brown”, but this classification has a lot of controversy today, so I simply prefer to say that “I am not as white, nor as black [as I would like to be]”. And this is something that really destroys me. It’s not cool to say this sort of thing, but honestly, this place is made for me, for me, so I’ll say right off: I’m not proud of my color. If you pride yourself on being brown, I’m extremely happy for you, and I’m just as proud of you for accepting yourself as you are. But this is a pride that I probably and unfortunately will never feel in my life. You know, it’s hard to accept yourself when the way you use to express yourself – to show the world who you really feel comfortable being with – doesn’t suit you.

To tell the truth, color is not the only factor that keeps me from accepting myself the way I am. I think “the whole set” of who I am, this lyrical self that speaks to you, just doesn’t match the images he would like to have about himself. Without a thin, straight nose, without a minimally defined body, without a sharp jaw, without a pretty smile, without long sleek hair, without the height worthy of literally calling any girl “lolizinha uwu” (that’s a joke, if you didn’t notice). And I know this is basically asking to be fetishized, but honestly, I wouldn’t mind being fetishized. In fact, I probably would love to be fetishized. Profiles like @retroaesthetic_, on Twitter, keep posting images of cute couples together. They are always romantic images, with the typical innocent humor of a silly passionate couple, and I can’t stop idealizing this type of relationship in my immature mind.

But analyze well each one of the photos that they posted. Or even better: search for e-boy on Pinterest. I am not the man in these images. I’ll never be – because much of this aesthetic is to be white. And I will never be white.

You know what’s really ironic? In my last 2019 post, literally the last sentence I wrote was “I have a good feeling about 2020”. But to be totally honest, this year is being awful. Thanks for destroying what was supposed to be my best year of high school, stupid bats. At least I am, in theory, dating someone. But I’ll let this venting for another post. Or maybe I’ll edit this one later, who knows? Anyway, I’m done here. And as always, thank you for reading. See you soon!



Nota da Skyline:
¹ Eu discordo completamente. Ele ficaria maravilhoso com essas roupas hoje em dia.