I think it’s finally time to clarify everything that happened since my last post.
There’s nothing between me and Claire except for a good friendship. Everytime I indirectly told her my intentions she changed topics, or gave me the typical answer “oh”. I guess we all know what that means, right?
That doesn’t mean I hate her or anything. I still think she’s one of the most amazing people I’ve met in my entire life, and even though our feelings aren’t the same, I respect her decision in keeping our relationship as friends. The cuteness and attention she was giving me all this time (the infamous red flags) are just part of her personality, and I happened to get closer to her by the time I was feeling a bit down, meaning I simply misunderstood her intentions because I’m an emotional bitch. That’s it.
Again, I respect her feelings. If she doesn’t like me that way, fine. I’m happy we can still be friends. I don’t think I’m over her, obviously, but that’ll happen, eventually – or at least I hope so. The thing is, love is fucking timeless, dude. I may find the right person in a few hours, maybe I’ll never find her. I just can’t be stuck emotionally with someone that clearly doesn’t feel the same way I do. Shit, I just spent a few months and I already feel exhausted by her talking to me about her crushes. I can’t let that happen again, you know?
What a terrible week I’m having. First of all, two of my best friends are with terrible problems, mostly related to stress, and honestly, I’ve started feeling the same, mostly because of them.
First of all, there’s Jane. Even though she’s my best friend, I somehow haven’t mentioned her yet. Well, there’s a first time for everything. Anyway, she has been having some confidence issues, mainly with the same stuff I’ve had at the beginning of the year. The feeling of being left abandoned by all of your friends, and even a bit of hatred coming from everyone. It’s not like the feeling ever left me, I guess I just got used to it. And now, she has been having it, and I can’t do shit to help her, even though I really want to, because I barely managed to change the same feeling from within myself. And the worst part about that is that she’s in a worse state than me. She’s cutting herself. I always thought that hurting yourself was just something dumb, which is why I don’t really know what to tell her to convince her to stop. It’s not like this is helping her, and she knows that, but this is an addiction like every other, and I have no idea how to deal with that.
And my second problem is Claire. Aside from everything I said in the first three pharagraphs of this post, she’s been having a lot of stress, mainly from school stuff. You see, our school is really known in the field for training professionals, which is why a lot of smart people like her come here. The thing is, somehow, the exact opposite of people like her can also get in, which means that her classes are already pretty intense. And her being the class representative adds a lot of new responsibilities on her, especially coming from the dumb students I mentioned, who think that she’s responsible for their grades. Basically: student responsibilities + class representative responsibilities + problems at home (I haven’t mentioned that. Too personal, even for my own blog) + lack of confidence (I also haven’t mention that. Not her main problem, but definetely one of them) = she stops eating food because she thinks that eating also brings her stress, which makes her even more stressed. You see the endless cycle here? This is not getting better.
And because of that, I’m worried about them both. They have talked to me about their problems – probably just wanting someone to hear but I tried helping them by giving tips and I’m sure I’m just worsening things. And because of that, I’m coming home every afternoon dead on the inside because of the fear of going to school tomorrow and finding out that they have killed themselves because I’m an awful friend unable to help those in need. I have never, ever, in my entire life felt so powerless.
I’m sorry, everyone. Sorry for not being the kind of guy you wanted me to be. Sorry for not being the friend you needed at the time. Sorry for being myself – this (no)one you’ll never love.
I hope you’re here for the next one. And as always, thanks for reading.