Winter’s Ballad

Hey. I’m sure you’ve been waiting for me.

The party was cool. Yeah, I danced like crap, and I 100% don’t wanna do this again, but hey, it’s over. I had fun with my friends, saw Claire and Bella, and everything seemed fine. Keyword here: seemed.

My fantasies, at the time, seemed true. Seems like she was really flirting with me. We got close that night and, although nothing I wanted to happen actually happened (if you know what I mean), I still felt all the sweet butterflies in my stomach. It was beautiful. But then, one day later, my world felt apart. Quick, right? I know. I’ll tell you the story. Just a warning: I believe this post will be shorter than the last ones. Again, I’m posting only a few days apart, and nothing had really happened with the exception of what I’m going to tell you now.

One day after the party, I had planned with some friends to go visit a famous neighbourhood here in São Paulo, Brazil, called Liberdade. It’s an asian neighbourhood, which is something we all like considering we love asian culture. We spent some quality time there, and it was finally time to leave. I decided to text Claire on the way home, and we started talking. As she was talking about her day, she told me that she saw her crush there. I felt a little pain in my poor heart, but nothing I couldn’t bear – she has talked about her crushes before, and none of them seemed like a threat to me. This one, though – we’ll call him Ed – did seem like a threat. Apparently, she found him really pretty, and wanted to dance and kiss him on her friend’s party, which they both were going.

My heart stopped. My eyes were full of tears, but I didn’t let any of them fall down. “Man up”, I told myself. “You’re not going to cry because of a girl, are you?”

I tried helping her cope a little with her sadness – she felt as if she wasn’t enough for him.

I can’t control her feelings. I can’t control who the next person will fall in love with. She has her life, and I have mine – if she doesn’t love me back, I have nothing to do but respect her decision. Still, that doesn’t stop the pain I felt back then, and still am feeling right now. Ironically enough, that motivated me to finally send Bella a message. I’m sure she won’t answer, but at least I finally took part of the pressure of my chest, you know?

And now, looking at the type of guy she likes – bearded, tall, strong and shit – has just destroyed the little amount of ego I had left in me. I’m just not that kind of guy. I have absolutely no beard. Actually, I have almost no facial hair at all. Tall? Forget about that, I’m 160cm tall. Strong? I look like a fucking stick figure. I’m just not her type, and and I’m sure I’m not the type of at least 90% women, and I’m not confident enough to talk to the remaining 10%.

I feel like I’m being a man in the wrong way. Am I really a man even if I don’t have these characteristics? I’m just an emotive, shy, introvert, weak and sensitive bitch. Nobody likes this type of person, which is why I’m now turning to drugs and alcohol, hoping I’ll be able to free myself from the terrible man I am. Fuck stereotypes, dude. This world just isn’t for me.

Whoops. Turns out this post became probably the same size as the other two posts. Good, let’s keep this pattern. Thanks for reading, see you in the next one.